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Abuse = Intolerable Cruelty (Migyul Magazine, Vol.2, May 2004)

This is for all my fellow sisters, a mother, daughters, aunts and girlfriends out there, who has already experienced or has yet to experience real womanhood. I’m not just talking about trying to survive and be strong, but about how much our influence can change the next generation of women in our society.

I look at young girls and I hope that they try to make the right decisions in life. I am a 25-year-old single mom with a 4-year-old daughter. I’ve seen and experienced a whole lot and trust me, its not over.

I’m sure there are women out there who are in the same predicament as me or even worse and I hope you are trying to teach others with knowledge of your own experience. That may not happen over night or touch many, but just touching one makes a whole lot of difference. Be strong!!!!

One good lesson I’ve learned in my life is that getting an education is very important. I recommend every woman young or old, no matter what, FINISH YOUR EDUCATION........... In this country almost nothing is impossible and if you have that drive to take your next step and reach your goal to make your life more rewarding,then go for it. Some people have told me, that school is not really cut out for them, or they are too old and busy to go back to school. I think everyone should at least give it a try. I know that it can take you to a lot of places and be the best investment in your life. Don’t give up hope.

Take it slow and in the end your will see how fruitful your hard work and sacrifice can be.

Another issue that women in our society face is our devotion to our partners, no matter what the situation is. A lot of us young women fall in love at a young age and get married to the wrong person. What I mean by “ wrong person” is, someone who does not respect you in any way. I’m sad to say that there are women who are physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, who endure such brutality day in and day out and just accept it.

I’m speaking from my own experience and I know how difficult it is. I’ve also met a few people who are or were in that kind of a relationship. I think it’s unhealthy for any man, woman or child to endure such pain. There are no excuses for this type of behavior and any human being should not tolerate it. If you are afraid of the abuser, you need to get help. There are safe houses and organizations that can help you, break away from this torture.

You may be afraid of people judging you and making you the topic of the hottest gossip in town, don’t worry, it won’t kill you. You may feel lonely, depressed and helpless at some point. Eventually you notice that the pain and agony is no longer hovering around you and peace of mind, is all that you need to keep on living. I believe that you have to give your self more credit for who you are and what your potentials are.

You definitely can’t change a person, if the person doesn’t want to change. You have to make an effort to make changes within yourself first in order to help the other person see their mistakes and wrongdoing. If that doesn’t help, then I think its time to move on.

Physical abuse can be anything from a push or a shove to a smack or a beat down. I don’t care how good a man is; looks or how tough he is, showing such violence is not an act of love. Some may think that if it happens once it’s ok and it will never happen again, but the sad truth is that it gets worse and some day, real ugly.

I’m sure there are times when there aren’t any signs of abuse physically, and other times there are the obvious ones that people just hide. I’ve done it myself and ignored it, and made a huge mistake by doing so.

Take control of the situation and do something about it because the abuser doesn’t have much clue that what he is doing is wrong.

Some abusers are very apologetic and cry or do things to make you feel sorry for them. Some even threaten to take their own life if you don’t forgive him. Now that is a classic and most common tactic to hold on to you, don’t fall for it. After a while it becomes a cycle and they use it every time and you just fall deeper and deeper into his web. Save your time and energy for something better because you deserve better. I seriously recommend that. That person doesn’t love himself and won’t be able to show you love the same way you show him.

Emotional and mental abuse goes hand in hand and can make you feel so weak and unworthy. Name calling, is what I call verbal abuse but however way you put it, it’s still abuse and intolerable. My uncle always tells me no matter how nasty an argument gets never call each other names. It becomes a habit and you slowly lose the love and respect you have for each other. I’m sure there are times we call our partners a name or two and forgot about it. Those awful names are words that stab you like a dagger and remain like a bad scar when the wound is healed. Sometimes it happens; we are human but when its used one to many times it does not get erased that easily. It becomes a habit like any other habits. After a while it stays on like a bad rash that you can’t get rid of and it weakens a person’s self esteem. No one in his or her right mind thinks that lowering someone’s self esteem is the right thing to do.

No one has either the power or right to take over a person’ life. Adults make their own decisions and as long as mutual understanding is established between couples, there is no need to for a woman to be locked up at home all day or become a slave.

Some women can’t even go to the store or visit family and friends without asking permission from their husbands. I can just imagine how low and unworthy that person feels. That is also abuse.

To put a person down and use terrible descriptive words is morally wrong. When abusive language is used to feel important or to boost ones ego is just disgusting. Only a coward, who has nothing much going on and feels like he has to prove himself, behaves like this.

Abuse, is all that an abuser has to describe himself. Abuse is very contagious and it’s very difficult to get out of when you have children involved. Children, see and notice everything and they are the ones to carry the burden of pain and pay a heavy price in the end.

I got out of my relationship thinking I don’t want my daughter to go through the same as I had. I didn’t want her to think, that it’s ok to take abuse because “mommy” took it.

Our kids look at us as a role model, a provider, and a friend, and we should not disappoint them. I truly believe that the best gift a father can give his child is to love his mother. Kids grow up to be what they are shown in their lives. Abuse should not even be a part of their vocabulary.

It’s very difficult to raise kids in this day and age. Some things should not be taught at home, there is plenty of things out there that kids learn on their own. Be careful with your choices of words and keep them away from abuse. They are our future and lets show them that abuse is unacceptable.

I’m not encouraging divorces or trying to break up families, but I’m here to voice my opinion on abuse and how it shouldn’t be accepted.

The best advice I can give a couple is to try to work it out on your own terms. Make that last effort. There are marriage counselors if you choose to use professional help.

Check with you medical insurance if they cover it. If not, you have the choice of paying out of your pocket to save your marriage and your family. If you can’t then it’s ok to seek a mediator to help you. Life is too short not to live a content one. We all need to think positive and address this issue seriously. Changes are sometimes good and anything that is there to make your life less complicated and more positive, don’t hesitate to take it. You will be going on the right direction.

Phintso Tuladhar
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