Here are some views of writers in the sherpakyidug.org forum that
we thought were interesting.
Migyul Discussion Forum. Upon asking some of our readers of what
they thought of this phenomenon, they answered.
Choying
After reading your questionnaire, I tried scanning the Tibetan
families here in Los Angeles with young kids and none of them
had sent their kids back home or were planning to do so. Well
in LA we do not have as many families as in the East Coast so
I guess it's a different issue here. But I do know a man who when
his wife was pregnant sent his three year old to his cousins in
the Midwest and I have to admit that being away from his parents
this child when he came back was a handful and he still is.
|
...kids who are born here and live with their parents turn
out much better than the ones who either come here when they
are in their teens or ones who stay with their grand parents/cousins
while their parents are working hard here in America. |
As far as I have noticed kids who are born here and live with
their parents turn out much better than the ones who either come
here when they are in their teens or ones who stay with their
grand parents/cousins while their parents are working hard here
in America. Firstly the kids always resent being away from their
parents and secondly parents to cover their guilt for staying
away from them send them money and gifts which normally kids their
age if living here with their parents do not receive and in that
process spoil them because they do not have a sense of money value
and they get things way too easily. All they have to do is wait
for their parents to call and tell them what they want.
I know parents who sent their kids away have strong reasons of
their own and not all kids are as I have mentioned above but I'm
just saying as far as I have seen kids living with their parents
do much better. Like here most of the families have brought their
grand parents over and so that works too. The kids have their
parents around as well as their grand parents.
Tashi D. Shakya
Personally, as I am not a parent I would unlikely be one to comment
on this issue that has gripped (or toppled?) our society. But
this is something that we all are concerned about and I feel each
views shared will contribute little something to ease the problem.
After all, children are our future. As we see that parents have
alternate opinions to this issue though they are all whoring on
the same problem. Some parents send their children from the US
back to their homes while some leave their children back home
to work in US. As much as we feel for the children, only a parent
knows the pain in sending away or leaving behind their child thousand
miles apart. And then only a parent can decide what is good for
their child and apparently their future. Some parents are financially
constrained and they have to leave their children to grand/foster
parents so they can work more hours and save more money, all for
a better future. This option at a glance sounds understandable
and a safe option but when you meet these kids back home, you
can see their expectations soaring high. Kids who are left behind
and who know that someday they are going to the US don't focus
on their studies in the high schools. They tell friends and teachers
they will be going to America soon, citing "studying hard
here [India and Nepal] is meaningless". They then spend a
lot of money that their parents send them having no idea what
their parents go through in saving all that money.
For the children, the thought that their parents are in US makes
them feel powerful and eventually either rebellious with the ones
who take care of them or they lose their self-confidence and come
out as an introvert. They don't listen to foster parents and they
don't share their concerns with them and forget having them share
such things over the long distance call with the parents. In their
innocent minds, kids think their parents in the US live in places
like the Trump Tower. Their expectations are high. And in that
expectation, many children lose the grip necessary in his/her
sensitive teen age.
|
... along the way while he is growing up, a child will see
first-hand the problems that his parents are facing. The child
will see the realities in life through the difficulties faced
by his parents. |
Likewise, some parents send their children back home from the
US. Some send them back for the [parent's] convenience while some
send them back so the child molds himself to the good things in
Himalayan culture. Either ways, I think whatever the reasons,
a parent should always keep the children with themselves. That
way, the child will be under constant observation, will get parental
love and along the way while he is growing up, a child will see
first-hand the problems that his parents are facing. The child
will see the realities in life through the difficulties faced
by his parents.
If we want our children to be stronger, have a strong bonding
with them, the child should see and know everything. Sending a
lot of money to your kids back home is not love. That is convenience,
a compensation that you are giving your child for not being with
him. Such things will just spoil your kids in ways unimaginable
in the long run. Hold on to your kids while you can!
Mamta
Had I been asked this question about four months back, my response
would have been a quick `for convenience', but now, as a new parent,
my perspectives have changed. To be honest, it is difficult to
present any one reason. Though most people tend to believe that
reasons are mainly financial, I have discovered, after talking
to other parents that their choices are also based on moral, cultural,
educational and other such issues. My only concern is that if,
and when parents choose to send their children away, they have,
or at least I hope, weighed the possibilities and the consequences.
As per the popular adage – where there is a will, there
is a way – one can definitely find options or create them,
if need be. For example, when I look at my little girl, I long
for her to experience the sense of belonging in extended families
that we’re all part of. In other words, I feel that she
is missing out all the love and affection that she'd otherwise
receive were we back `home'. Of course, sending her away would
also mean that her father and I'd be missing critical time together.
How can this void be filled? Some possibilities that I can think
of are networking with other parents in our community or forming
a support group with other friends and families in similar situation.
From here, I expect my daughter to learn and appreciate the values
of belonging to a family beyond her own. Parents can also benefit
from such groups from information that would obviously get exchanged.
Things like recommendations for babysitters, doctors and schools,
to tips on bargain diapers (trust me, it becomes an endless necessity)
helps. I don't think options are being explored properly.
|
The key is to find a means to bridge the distance barrier.
I find communication to be an important element to help and
possibly eliminate some, if not all, child rearing and parenting
difficulties. |
No doubt raising a child is a full time and a very critical responsibility,
but it is not fair either, both for parents and their children,
to pass this responsibility to someone else. Instead many choose
the easy path. This is where communities will have a role to play,
like providing its members with alternatives and support network.
At the very least, parents can make informed choices. A correct
response is difficult to sum up particularly in situations like
these, when at most times the effect is only determined in the
long run. A relation between parents and their children is a continuously
evolving period. Often despite the best nurture that parents give,
children turn out to be very difficult. Similarly there is no
given that simply by sending children `away', he or she will not
respect or love their parents.
Let's face it, many of us were sent to boarding schools and might
have not spent more than three months in a year at home, and we
seemed to have turned out fine. The key is to find a means to
bridge the distance barrier. I find communication to be an important
element to help and possibly eliminate some, if not all, child
rearing and parenting difficulties. I think it is harder on parents
than on the child. Children are happy; at least till they are
of certain age, as long as there are people to love and give them
the attention they need, and rightfully deserve. Here, I am assuming
that children being sent back `home' will be received in a welcoming
environment.
Time is another deciding factor in evaluating the impact. If
a child has to be sent away, let it be for a reasonable period,
with visits in between if possible. I cannot really define what
the time frame ought to be. However, let it not be a situation
where a child has been sent when he/she was less than a year and
suddenly after ten years of separation be expected to embrace
his/her parents like they never parted. Although not impossible,
it seems impractical. Sadly it does happen.
Fostering the very spirit of community helps strengthen the sense
of belonging in a foreign land. Through the communities established
here, and New York has an amazing representation of the ethnically
diverse Himalayan communities, we can, to a certain extent, reproduce
what most of us left `back home'. Communities can also become
vital resource guides to inform and assist its members to optimize
on the opportunities that this place has to offer. Whether it
is financial or cultural or simply day to day living, there is
much that we can do help each other in our communities.
We have always had difficulty in these past issues where we find
a definite reluctance in all our communities to discuss issues.
This reluctance is there at various levels. At an organizational
level where our community leaders don't want to discuss issues
or even at individual levels where families don't want to be in
the spotlight or put another in one. They love to read, comment
privately and sometimes in an event they come up to us and say
what they disapprove of in the community forums we have had or
sometimes say something they liked. But, they do not want to write
or express their views aloud.
 |
While most of our writers are unanimous about the negativity
of this phenomenon, this continues. At a recent occasion I sat
with a young man who worked as a sales person at a store. He and
his wife has a four year old and while he wants his son to be
sent to school in India and for that matter in a nice English
school in one of the Himalayan towns, his wife is opposed to the
idea. He wanted his son to study at a nice private boarding school
there, something he felt he could afford rather than the public
school here, which he wasn't too happy with. His wife could not
bear to be without her son. She goes to work now after a four-year
interval and keeps the son at a day care center that is an expensive
thing to do for the amount of money they make. But they are committed
and want to see how long they can do this but trying they are.
Was it an issue of head over heart? Or was it something more?
Do our parents here feel that the education system here is lacking
or they feel that they do not know enough about it to cope with
the system and adequately cope with their children and their issue?
On numerous occasions nowadays, mothers with strollers and toddlers
and four and five year olds can be seen – a positive sign
that some parents are willing to take up the challenge.
